Well not exactly but you should read this…
- I want to make it very clear that what I am about to write is solely my express opinion, my human feelings and if you think this is too much for you to comprehend or relate with, please feel free to stop reading here right now, no offence taken I promise.
Starting few years ago I have decided to join this sex-work band-wagon and make a living with it. Having various reasons to do so and not being able to have a normal 9 to 5 job, made me think this will be my easy way out, a way to discover myself more, to share my creative ways more as well a way to survive.
Of course as any other job/experience it has had the UP’s and DOWN’s specific to human life rollercoaster. And it was totally fine as long as when I needed a lot of help or have been into a major crisis, people/friends/clients would still be there for me and gave their best and made it in the end for me, with me to the finish line, to a silver line, in a way more safe than before or such.
In the past years however all of this has changed and I am starting to wonder if it’s my fault or just the world itself. I hope you all know when I am getting upset for not making ends or not making goals, is not that I am upset on you for not being able, I am upset on the world itself for ruining it for all of us.
It is however very clear to me that I need to focus more, to be online more and to start give attention to those who are still helping or helping more than others. Unfair you would say, or where is our friendship you would ask…
Well let me make things a bit clear here for you ALL by asking a question: you would let yourself jobless and ending on the streets for a friend? Despite we all hate it, in cam-world there is a love-hate relationship between us, sex and the fun the tokens/money are providing. We all hate to admit it, we all wanna be lied into our faces, we all wanna dream and be extatic, but in the end it all comes to this: supply and demand, price and product, money and sex.
Let’s not be fools and think because of the absent funds/tips/money we will stop care, because that is foolish and is part of a victim game we all hate. In fact even if we get angry or upset, we still care, otherwise we wouldn’t get angry nor upset on it…but in the end we need to focus on the main purpose: to survive.
And not receiving the funds we need it makes us ( performers/ entertainers) to focus on the parts the funds/money are coming from. Is not that we don’t want to give you the same attention or we suddenly start hating you, is not that we are cruel and we wish to hurt your feelings, is just a thing we need to do in order to protect ourselves and the families we are working for.
I truly admire the members/clients who are understanding this and even if they can’t help much they still do it, or they are still just hanging around and try together with us to build a fun room for others to come and make it even more fun. I truly admire the ones who are not selfish and if they don’t have it they do their best to get you seen by others and not vanish into thin air. I find it very selfish when they are actually disappear thinking is better for us to not show up at all, and I am not saying here about those who show up and become demanding without tipping. I am talking here about those awesome humans who are not demanding, just getting in your room and start making a conversation or build up a vibe with the rest of the people.
When we don’t get that we always think it is our fault, that we do something wrong, that we are not enough, or not worthy. There is a lot of blame we put on ourselves and of course we become frustrated and upset…
In the end I think people do wish human interaction, but if you wish for fake human interaction you might as well get an android instead of joining a LIVE cam site.
I truly admire humans who are not faking their feelings and humans who have the nerve to say what they are thinking, good or bad. I try to be like that myself as well, and sometimes I hope this is not seen as a bad thing, instead I hope it is seen as a genuine valid and real human interaction, as a good thing.
So if you see my moods shifting, if you see me asking for stuff ( btw I HATE a lot to ask for stuff from the bottom of my heart) just know I am in a very dark place and I need a ray of sunshine/hope.
We all try to make new ways/contests/videos and entertaining ways to get you hooked up and out of the boredom, but if we make it and no one is taking at least once, of course we think again “this is not good, not enough” or “I am not worthy…”. Just think you make a project at work and your boss is just ignoring it, how would you feel? Hence why we always change our minds and end things before time or change rules, because we see that our efforts are not working and we are trying really hard to find new ways or ways that are working. I had like dozen contests, raffle’s and whatsoever that ended up not being made because only one or two got in them. And honestly each time I am thinking: it is not good enough or I am not worthy.
I am not saying all of this as a confession, an argument or whatsoever, is just something that was a lot on my mind lately and considering the latest events with payments, pandemic and so on, things are getting darker and darker for some of us, including myself, and you need to understand why… we are starting to change things on our side as well.
I do appreciate your help and I hope this is not coming as a major complaint or a way to seem unappreciative of all your efforts, because I do appreciate every single little effort out there. I just wish, sometimes, some of you will stop letting others to take all the burden and start build a team to make it better, because if it’s better for us all it will be better for you as well and so on…